I hate exercise. I need to make that abundantly clear. But apparently it is a necessary evil. Every once in awhile though, that despised thing called exercise gives me a jolt. Today was one of those days.

I try to take a walk on Saturday mornings. Today was chilly so I bundled up in my hat, scarf, gloves, and sweatshirt. I’ve been listening to Tony Robbins at the gym during the week but today I decided I needed my good ol’ exercise music playlist. So I started off. Two songs in and my current favorite song came on. I liked the song the first time I heard it, but when I learned the story of it, my like turned to love turned to favorite.

Singer/songwriter Rachel Platten was frustrated and discouraged. She’d tried for years to make it in the music business but was getting nowhere. So with the help of a friend, she wrote a song for herself, to give herself the courage to keep going, her anthem. She said, “…through writing the song, I made the decision to not listen to that small mean voice that was telling me I wasn‘t good enough. I decided to keep believing in myself no matter what.” It wasn’t initially written to be produced, merely to encourage her to keep going, but with the encouragement of her publisher and the inability to get a producer, she learned how to produce it herself.

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I’m chasing sleep
Everybody’s worried about me
In too deep
Say I’m in too deep (in too deep)
And it’s been two years I miss my home
But there’s a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
Know I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

My recent trip to Indonesia with my brother and his girlfriend changed something in me. There is so much life to be lived! And I have the power to make my life be whatever I want it to be. Travel liberates me. It makes me feel alive. If I could have my dream, it would be to live in different places around the world for a year at a time.

So why not? I’ve spent the majority of the last several years trying to “get over” my divorce and “get past” my cancer. When I finished my book, “Carry On and Ditch the Excess Baggage,” I knew there was more story left to tell. It just hadn’t been created yet. At that point, I still had no direction and frankly no energy to create. Indonesia lit a fire….and that little fire in me just might be ready to create something.

When my song came on today, something crazy happened. I started to jog. I realized that the beat of the song was in sync with the pace I could jog. As my feet hit the pavement to the beat of my song, I felt a little tingle. I looked around at the beautiful Monterey Bay to my left….and I smiled. I smiled while jogging! That is absolutely unheard of in my world!

With the smile came a bit of the energy I felt in Indonesia, the fire that ignited in me that made me believe that no matter how old I am, how rich or poor I am, no matter what my current skill set is, I am still in control of what my life looks like, and I can still create change.

What steps would need to happen for me to live in a different place every year? I can make a list. I can make a plan. Maybe the plan will work and maybe it won’t. But how will I ever know if I don’t try? Being in Indonesia made me feel brave. It made me feel like anything is possible. It’s time to maybe add a little crazy to my plan and see where that takes me.

So…..

This is my fight song, take back my life song….
….My power’s turned on, starting right now I’ll be strong….
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me
Know I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

After I finished my book and watched it sink into the abyss of Amazon ebooks, I could feel myself slipping back into old patterns and habits. It was so easy to do that I hardly even recognized it was happening. What I DID realize was that my discontent was rising, my irritability was rising, my anxiety was rising. As I have done so many times in the past, I started to look at my environment. I can’t get my book to get noticed. I’m not feeling fulfilled in my job. My relationships are not ideal. I’m unhappy with my body. There is not enough time in the day to do what I want to do. Wait, I’m still not even sure WHAT I want to do with my day, even if I had all the time in the world! I was sinking back into a dark place.

I’ve been going to the same counselor for several years now. Each time our session ends, she asks me if I’d like to set up another time. I chuckle every time, because I’ve been setting up another time for like 4 years now! Only a couple of months ago, for the first time she told me that I was waiting too long to come back and that I needed to come back sooner. I was in “relationship crisis” as she called it. And so I started to make my appointments more frequent. Until this week.

Many would say (and have said) that the fact that I’ve had to see her for so many years means that she must not be helping. Although I did feel frustrated with my progress (or lack thereof) along the way, I always felt that it was the result of my own lack of follow through and not her skill level.  I was looking to her to also motivate me to do what she was encouraging me to do.

When I went to my appointment this week, I was in a bad place again. I was right back to the negativity that I’d been thinking I had started to shake when my book was released and people seemed to like it (an external validation). As I told her how I was feeling, she simply said, “I don’t know where to go with this. I have done all I know to do. I no longer know how to help you.” I sat there dumbfounded and tearful. When she asked what was happening for me, I told her I felt hopeless. “You’ve felt hopeless all along. How is this any different?” I didn’t have an answer.  Then she said, “I can no longer be the only one carrying the hope.”

We continued to talk through what was happening and I tried to find some positive things to share that I thought might make me sound more hopeful. When the session ended, I said, “YES, I’d like to set up another appointment, before you even ask me.” “No,” she said. What?! “I want you to think about what we’ve talked about today, and if/when you’re ready to carry the hope, then give me a call to set up an appointment. I do hope I get that call, but until you are ready to carry the hope, there is nothing more I can do. I cannot be the only one to carry it.”

I left her office a bit dumbfounded. I called my mom (as I often do when I’m distraught) and said “Well now I’ve gone and done it….Marianne just broke up with me.”

That was 3 days ago. I’ve felt a little turned upside down. Then last night, I attended the wedding reception of a girl that B and I had taught in our Sunday School class 7+ years ago now. When it came time for the bouquet toss, all my well-meaning friends told me I had to go. I gave up bouquet tosses MANY years ago, but after some friendly goading, I finally jumped in (with the younger sister of the bride and several others who could have been no more than early 20s). I tried to make light of it, pretend I was boxing out the young girls, and not come off like a sourpuss.

As the bouquet sailed toward me, I heard myself audibly say “Oh shoot.” None of the other girls made a move for it, so I leaned forward and caught it in what seemed an almost effortless move. I continued to make light as I held the bouquet triumphantly above my head and shouted, “There’s hope!”

I later joked with the other girls and thanked them for giving the old lady a fighting chance. As I walked away, I heard one of them say, “She’s funny!” I was thrilled. A stranger thought I was funny. I wanted to tell everyone I knew what had happened so they would all then be convinced that I was indeed a funny person, a trait I’ve always wanted to possess. As I thought about that moment (aka relished in it, relived it over and over, replayed her voice saying it again and again in my head), I remembered something I had written in my book. It was the story of the Mama Bunny who loved her baby bunny no matter how many times he tried to run away from her. I was reminded of the hope that I had felt that I could one day be my own Mama Bunny, and love myself no matter how far away I seemed to stray (and no matter if anyone thought I was funny.)

I’m not ready to carry the entire “burden” of hope yet and make the call to my counselor, and truthfully I’m still not convinced that it’s coming anytime soon. But what I did recognize after the bouquet experience is that, no matter how hopeless I may feel overall, the path to hope begins with recognizing that there indeed ARE tiny moments of hope. My random off-handed exclamation to the crowd after catching the bouquet was also in fact a brief moment of hope. Maybe not the hope typically associated with catching a bouquet, but a hope that I still have the ABILITY to hope.

Lesson Learning: Even in seeming hopelessness, there are glimpses of hope. It is what we do with those glimpses (either nourish them or shove them aside as fleeting) that determines which direction we are moving toward an overall attitude of hope.

After the “breakup” I realized (yet again) that I needed to do a reset, a Ctrl+Alt+Delete on my re-emerging bad habits and attitudes. I know this will not be the last time I’ll need such a reset. But thankfully I’m learning that no matter how many resets I need, as long as I keep resetting, I’m moving in a healthier direction. Who knew breakups and bouquets could be so smart.

Welcome to my website! Other than a wedding announcement page and a cancer blog, I’ve never had my own website! I tell you this so that you will understand that I’m learning as I go. Translation: I have no idea what I’m doing yet, but I can only imagine there will be a number of Lessons Learning while I try and figure it out. That said, I’m happy to receive any feedback, comments, etc.

I hope you will enjoy (and participate in!) my continued journey on the path of healing. Let’s do this together!